So this week...
Haha what do I even tell you all? I got lots of love in the shape of packages and boxes :) I love you, thank you. Today is the first official day of the WA Vancouver mission. President and Sister Taylor are here now! So exciting! We'll meet them tomorrow.
What I can tell you is that the things that everyone say about the missionary being the greatest convert in their mission...are all true. The only things that I can prach and testify of are things that I have done, and learned, and know to be good and true. And it's so great that when you internalize a principle, you can finally share it. With your heart, not your brain.
It's a beautiful opportunity I have to learn Spanish. Because I work with people all over the globe; people that I never would have been able to communicate with before now. It makes me want to learn every language now! How sad to only have the ability to comminicate with one race or culture. Everyone in the world should be forced to learn cada idioma (every language). All thanks to Babel.
This week was really a dud. But only because I was a dud. I had zero desire. And there are two parts to missionary work: work, and desire! Without desire, the work can be unbearable. But I studied in the scriptures to find solutions, and Heavenly Father showed me the remedy! He always will. So do you want to know why I was struggling so much??...
I am reading in 1 Nephi, where the storyline is basically split in half between Nephi and Laman & Lemuel. Everyone always compares and likens themselves to Nephi, and puts their name in place of his in many verses in the book of 1 Nephi. But lately, I have unintentionally been thinking of myself as Laman & Lemuel. And therein I found my answer. Laman & Lemuel are consistently doing wrong by the Lord and by Nephi. And every time, tey get chastised into being good again. The fear of God is placed in them, they beg Nephi's forgiveness, and repent. But then it's only a short time before the cycle starts again. I always wonder why they are so quick to reverting to wickedness and unhappiness, after they receive signs from the Lord. It's because they are motivated by fear. They can only stay happy for so long before things go rotten again, because they are fear-driven. I myself was wondering why one day was awesome, and the next, I want to leave. "Why is my happiness and desire so fleeting!!?" So I thought about my reasons for staying.
1) I'm afraid of what my family will think
2) I'm afraid of being judged by church members, and all those that helped me get here
3) I'm afraid of what all of the other RM's will think that returned after a full, faithful mission
4) I'm afraid about wasting the money and time of those that contributed
5) I'm afraid of figuring out my future when I get back
6) I'm afraid of not learning the lessons I need to, and can only learn here on this mission
7) I'm afraid that if I leave, I won't become the person God needs me to be
8) I'm afraid that I won't have the future and life that Heavenly Father has planned for me
Those are all of my reasons in full.
Can you see where I'm going wrong? The day I wrote these, I had zero positive reasons for staying. All of my reasons are motivated by fear. The reason why Nephi was consistently faithful and righteous, was because he had a sincere desire to serve His God. That is what I am looking for.
I love you all, and always will,